Day 1: Differing Assumptions

By Dr. James Dobson

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus.
(Romans 15:5)

A difficult day can quickly lead to an unnecessarily heated exchange between spouses. Fatigue, problems with the kids or job, illness, or financial worries can make anyone more susceptible to a fight. So can the condition I call "differing assumptions."

For example, after a particularly grueling series of speaking appearances some years ago, I came dragging home on Friday night feeling I'd earned a day off. I planned to watch a USC-Alabama football game on TV the next day. That seemed like a reasonable plan for a guy who had been out earning a living day and night. Shirley, on the other hand, had been running our home and watching the kids for six weeks and felt it was time I pitched in on a few chores. It was entirely reasonable for Shirley to think that she deserved some help at home after doing "domestic duty" for six weeks. Our assumptions collided about ten o'clock Saturday morning. Harsh words froze our relationship for three days. It was a stupid fight, but understandable in light of factors like overwork, fatigue, selfishness, and very different views of what the other was thinking.

When we're making our own plans we need to remember to consider our partner's mental and physical state. During stressful circumstances, we should take extra care to communicate our expectations ahead of time.

Just between us...

• Have differing assumptions caused us to argue recently?
• How can I do a better job of being aware of your mood?
• Do we communicate our expectations ahead of time?

Pray these words together:

Lord, by Your Spirit, help us to be aware of each other's needs and to take care in our communication. Draw us together in unity and in love of You. Amen.

By Dr. James Dobson

Supplement To: 10-Day Communication Challenge for Married Couples

Question: My wife and I sometimes get into fights when neither of us really wants to argue. I'm not even sure how it happens. We just find ourselves locking horns and then feeling bad about it later. Why can't we get along even when we want to?

Answer: To answer the question, I would need to know more about the circumstances that set off the two of you. The best I can do is describe one of the most common sources of conflict between people who are committed to each other. I call it experiencing "differing assumptions." Let me explain.

When husbands and wives engage one another in angry combat they often feel hurt, rejected, and assaulted by the other person. But when these battles are analyzed objectively, we often see that neither side really meant to wound the other. The pain resulted not from intentional insults but from the natural consequences of seeing things from different angles.

For example, a man might assume that Saturday is his day to play golf or watch a game on television because he worked hard all week and deserves a day off. Who could blame him? But his wife might justifiably assume that he should take the kids off her hands for a few hours because she's been wiping runny noses and changing diapers all week long. She deserved a break today and expected him to give it to her. Again, it's a pretty reasonable assumption. When these unique perspectives collide, about eight o'clock on Saturday morning, the sparks start to fly.

How can you avoid the stresses of differing assumptions at home? By making sure that you and your wife get no surprises. Most of us can cope with anything if we see it coming in time.

From 'The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide' by Dr. James C. Dobson

by Pete Briscoe

Health is not valued till sickness comes. --Dr. Thomas Fuller

After God created Adam and Eve's bodies, He said everything was "very good." But that was before sin; that was before Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden. Sadly, we no longer live in the best place to take care of our bodies the way we want/need to. This is bad news because despite its complexity, despite its importance (or even arguably partly because of these), the human body is vulnerable to things it was never designed to withstand.

Your body is susceptible.

God intended for the human body to be used in a certain way. If it's used differently than He intended, there are going to be natural consequences. Too much alcohol, too much food, sex outside of a monogamous life-long union ... if you don't follow Scripture, you can bring upon yourself obesity, heart disease, alcoholism, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. God has our best interest in mind when He commands things like this:

Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat. --Proverbs 23:20

Because we live in a world bombarded with the effects of the Fall and sin, many things may come upon us through no fault of our own. Allergies, Alzheimer's, cancer ... many ailments are not always caused by our actions or result from any sins we may commit, but that does not lessen their effects in the slightest.

Are you feeling the susceptibility of your physical body today? God's Word puts it in eternal perspective:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Eternal Father, give me the willingness and ability to look beyond the physical and the temporary today, that I might see what is unseen and find hope in the eternal. Amen.